Offering aid must have limits, important to care for self

This opinion piece appeared in the Lewisville Leader, July 29, 2006

            In my mid-twenties I knew a young woman about my age that had sought counseling from a minister who was known to be very adept at such.  She saw him once, then failed to show for the next appointment, scheduled another appointment and followed through, then promptly failed to show for the next one.  She was shocked, a week or so later, when she called for another counseling appointment to hear his secretary tell her that the minister/counselor was not willing to see her again.  Furthermore, the secretary delivered a message, “I am not willing to see you since you only show up after you have crashed.”  At that time in my life, I was rather surprised when I heard his response.  However, not long after I became a counselor, I understood his position very well.

            I am appreciative that there are many institutions, certainly including religious ones, as well as numerous individuals, who want to help people.  In fact, I am such a proponent of this that I don’t think we can really have significant meaning in our lives if we are not actively involved in extending a helping hand to others. 

Nevertheless, limits have to be set on active caring, because if we don’t, we ultimately wear ourselves out and won’t be much help to anyone.  Perhaps the most basic boundary should be that we only help individuals who are willing to help themselves –provided they have the ability to do so.  Certainly, some don’t, but I am not referring to that situation in this column.

Admittedly, it is not always easy to see this on first glance, but it usually becomes apparent early on.  Christian Community Action, or CCA, a phenomenal local helping organization, makes this discernment about as well as can be done.  The leaders I have known there over the years understand that they have to have boundaries, or the cause will cease to exist.  Sometimes people get mad at CCA because it doesn’t frivolously hand out assistance, but I am confident the organization is more likely to help those who are willing to help themselves.   

            Similarly, individuals who help others must also take care of their own needs or they will run out of fuel.  An analogy of this principle is the words of a flight attendant on a commercial flight:  “If the cabin loses air pressure, breathing masks will drop down.  However, if you are carrying a young child, put your mask on first before you put it on the child.”  In other words, take care of yourself first or you might not be able to tend to your child.  Unfortunately, when we are taught to aid others, this aspect often doesn’t get enough attention.

            Admittedly, when we choose to love others, it is often inconvenient.  Healers and caregivers certainly understand this, and at times have to choose.  My fear is that healers more often than not tend to sacrifice themselves and their families in their zeal to help others.  I am all for caregiving, so long as people also take care of themselves.

One particular group of caregivers I wish to address is those who tend daily to a loved one who is chronically or terminally ill.  Sometimes they allow their lives to essentially cease to exist as they care for loved ones in extreme circumstances.  Often, those for whom they are caring are so needy and dependent on them that they guilt their caregivers into not ever taking a break.  Caregivers, if you need permission to balance your main task with some escape, I give it to you!  Long ago I made a decision that I am not going to allow others to make me feel guilty and I encourage you to do the same.

            Poet and author, Robert Bly, in Iron John, declares that ministers, priests and therapists burn themselves out by serving only as copper, as they conduct the hurt and anguish of others to the ground.  Consequently, they need to have parts of their lives in which they can even be a little zany and absent from constant caring.

(Doug Smith is a licensed professional counselor in the Greater Lewisville Area.  972-436-6227 or doug@ccclewisville.com)                     

Reproduced by permission of the Lewsiville Leader.